Chapters 1 - 3 REWRITTEN! - The Correctional Facility

[[DtK] [Jedi] firtvid20]

<< N/A - Chapter 1 - REWRITTEN (current) - Chapter 2 - REWRITTEN >>

Hey JB'ers. I didn't like the way the structure of my story "The Correctional Facility" was written. It wasn't really realistic, something I wanted. So I've decided to do a rewrite of Chapters 1 - 3 of my story. If you would like to see the original chapters I've included a link to each in the chapters below. I've also included the messages I put above each of original chapters. I'll get onto doing the Chapter 3 arc soon.
Feedback is always appreciated. Thanks for reading.

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Original message: "Hey guys. I'm really bored and I've decided to take a break from my school work and put together a small story about the "DtK Correctional Facility", as it says on the back of the JB skins. This ain't one story, I'll be releasing small chapters every now and then when I have time to write up a story. Let me know what you think, it's just a starter.
Here goes."
Chapter 1 - ORIGINAL: http://www.dying2kill.com.au/threads...acility-(story)


Chapter 1 - Waking up

I wake up as if I’ve been in a deep sleep for a long time. My head feels sore and my left temple is throbbing, like someone had hit me there. As my vision gets more clear I lift my head up to see where I am. I get my head together and see that I am in a room, actually a cell. This room has the standard features of a normal cell. Two beds, a toilet, a window and a light. But this cell also had a newspaper, dated from a few days ago, a small table, and a worn out couch. As with a normal person they would take these extra things for granted, but these make all the difference. The newspaper great for keeping up to date with what’s happening in the big wide world and also great for educating prisoners. The table, great to use the newpaper to draw if I would find a pencil. And the couch, much better to sit on then leaning your back onto the wall getting bad posture. I truly feel lucky to be in this jail.

My head is still throbbing but now I am regaining my memory from what happened before I ended up here. I remember being interrogated at another correctional facility for supposedly “helping” a prisoner escape, which I didn’t do. They hit me, slashed me with a knife, and even wounded me with a gun. As soon as they found out that it wasn’t me and it was this other guy, they moved me to this facility, the guards who interrogated me being faced with charges of assault. I remember being told this facility would be much better, so far it has been. The traveling was unpleasant though. I had a black bag shoved onto my head and I had to travel in the back of what felt like a truck, then someone (or something) knocked me hard and I went out unconsciously cold.

After gathering my surroundings I go to have a look outside the bars of my cell door. The facility is a big room, very spacious. I guess it would be hard for someone to escape since the room is big and the cameras could possibly catch a prisoner. There are no guards in the room, but I see a big cage near the middle of the room and a room with a hospital shaped sign. There are a few doors leading to other rooms called “soccer”, “disco”, “outside” and some other distant signs which I can’t see. This facility will be interesting. I mean who ever plays soccer in a jail. Not even a disco, my hopes get high as I come to believe that this is one of the best facilities I’ve ever seen. Or is it... Feeling tired again my headache decides to come back and I fall back onto my bed falling into another deep sleep, awaiting what comes ahead of tomorrow.

[[DtK] [Jedi] firtvid20]

<< Chapter 1 - REWRITTEN - Chapter 2 - REWRITTEN (current) - Chapter 3 - REWRITTEN >>

Original message: “The story is a little slow paced for this chapter, but I promise I'll speed up the pace the next chapter. Also since Becca got four votes from the last poll she will be featured in the next chapter too. ”
Chapter 2 ORIGINAL: http://www.dying2kill.com.au/threads...ional-Facility


Chapter 2 - Meeting someone

I am woken up by a prison guard. He is white skinned wearing a blue shirt, jeans and a blue cap. He gives me a small book to read, just a short novel about some guy escaping an evil, greedy circus master. I bet you the other prisoners would take longer to read because most would be uneducated and probably have low knowledge of reading and writing. Luckily at my old prison they actually thought a few of the good prisoners how to read and write. I notice on the back cover of the book I find a list of “administrators” (or people in charge) for the facility, or I should say jail because a “correctional facility” is a less scary name for a jail. It seems the manager for the jail is a guy called Rowdy.

I hear my cell door open and I look up and see another prisoner shoved into my cell, there are two guards outside as well as another person well dressed with a name tag Rowdy on it. He looks like all the other guards, white skinned, but his uniform is different. But he isn’t fat, it seems that he does a fair bit of work around here maybe. He gives me a little wave before his guards close the cell door and walk off. I am met with the prisoner that was just shoved into my cell. He is wearing the same standard uniform as me, a green shirt and and pants with the words “DTK CORRECTIONAL FACILITY” on both and a white singlet on the inside. The prisoner doesn’t say anything and I assume he’s a quiet prisoner, like the other ones I’ve seen in my old jail. I say “Hi” to him but he says nothing back. But when I give him the small book I was reading before, he takes it and starts reading it, which is a good sign because I never seen anyway take a book that I’ve offer to them before...

A few hours later we get a knock on our cell door, a guard tells us to follow him to a small room to show what will be happening to us. The guard leads us through a few passageways and we eventually get to a room called “Spectating room”. Inside the floor is made of glass. Below it a big jail is visible, with all the cells and different room with games. I take a look around for a bit. And see prisoners in their cell, looking like they are waiting for something to happen. I finally see it. Guards coming out from a room full of guns approaching the main room with all the prisoners in their cells.

To be continued...

[[DtK] [Jedi] firtvid20]

<< Chapter 2 - REWRITTEN - Chapter 3 - REWRITTEN (current) - Chapter 3 arc (coming soon) >>

Original message: “Hey guys. So after about 4 weeks of not doing the story (due to my exmas) I finally got this written up during the weekend! To the people who died during the story don't worry. The story isn't over for you yet! I will be making arcs (other parts from the main story) for Space Pl0x and Rebellium next week. I had trouble with pasting tables and because HTML isn't enabled on this forum you'll have to read the document on a seperate site if you can't read the poorly pasted format: http://bit.ly/PvvwP3.”
Chapter 3 ORIGINAL: http://www.dying2kill.com.au/threads...ional-Facility


Chapter 3 - Flashbacks

I watching in silence wondering what will become of these prisoners.. The guards come running out of their armoury room full of guns. The cells are lined up in on two levels on one side of the main room, with stairs leading to the top level. The prisoners each have more luxurious furniture in their cells than what I was in before. Each cell has two beds with quilts, shelves with items on them, and a table with a small box tv. As I watch I see each most prisoners unhappy. No idea why, but I guess I’ll find out. The guards take about a minute to set up and enter the main cell room. The cell room was bigger than the size of a hall or theatre. The guard’s control panel is situated on an elevated platform, about 3 meters from the cells. I notice all the guards have the same uniform that I saw last time. Blue shirt, jeans and a blue cap. But these guards also have a name tag on them. The guard who seems in charge of everything has a star on the left of his badge. He seems to be referred to the warden of the jail. I can see this because the spectator room which I am inside right now has a electronic board with red LED lights displaying the nick names (not real names, because to protect the peoples’ identities) of each prisoner and guard. For each person it shows whether they are dead or alive and it also shows the people killed by that person. There are in total 15 prisoners and 5 guards. The warden’s name is Topcat. I wait as all the guards set up, each taking their place in the room. Then suddenly, I hear a voice coming out of the speakers (or megaphone things) set up around the jail.
“All prisoners, I am Topcat, the warden who is in charge.” Topcat announces, speaking with his almighty voice.
“When your cell doors open I want you to go onto the black and yellow line. After doing so face your cells for a patting check.”
I notice one prisoner hiding something in the side of his pants, but with the handle barely sticking out. Another prisoner has found a broken part of a wall inside his room. He is punching the wood making up part of the wall. The wood breaks apart which was concealing an entrance that leads into a dark tunnel. I can’t see the actual inside of the tunnel from the spectator room though, only the entrance covered by wood from the cell. As he is getting in I see a guard called Squall running to the cell and shoots him dead. I stand there shocked as I see the poor prisoner (Skorps) falling to the ground, blood coming out of his head. He slowly falls to the ground and then my vision goes blurry then I see image of the past appearing before me...

I am standing in a dark alleyway at the rears of some buildings, unable to move. My parents are about 5 metres in front of me. A figure is holding them at gunpoint. I try to move to reach out to them, but I can’t. My vision gets darker and sounds muffled but I hear terrifying screams.

I wake up again in the room I was before.
I stay lying down in shock as I try and process what just happened. My dark past has just appeared before me. Having a quick look at the clock I estimate that I was unconscious for about 10 minutes. A prisoner is watching me from a distance. I recognise him after a while as I come to my senses. He is the prisoner that was put into my cell earlier. I ask him what happened to me, but he doesn’t say anything. He gets out a piece of folded newspaper and feels around in his pocket for a bit, eventually pulling out a pencil. Writing on the piece newpaper I eventually see the word. “Seizure”.

In my past I when I was young I would have seizures as a kid. Usually I’d just fall unconscious onto the ground then I would wake up knowing nothing of what happened. Usually people around tell me that I was flipping out on the ground. The doctor proclaimed this illness of mine was a special form of epilepsy. This illness would make me distance myself from people, scared of what they might think of me. But I had a friend that accepted me.

I get back up off the floor and watch the round happening below me. The guards are moving the prisoners to a room with soccer in it. Checking the electronic board in the spectator room I find that three prisoners have died already, making 12 of them alive now.

I asked the guard who was with us in the room “Why did those prisoners die? They didn’t do anything wrong.”
He tells me “Kid, welcome to the DtK Correctional Facility. People who are scheduled to be executed are given a last chance at life in prison. If they manage to survive and are the last 2 people living they will have to make a last request involving a game between the guard and the prisoner. If the guard wins the game, the prisoner dies. However if the prisoner wins they will survive and given a chance to live the rest of their life in this jail.”
Taking this all in I now realised that the last jail must have put me here on purpose, even though my crime was not charged with execution. I keep thinking, I must survive this.

“You lot get onto the benches beside soccer,” Topcat (the warden) commanded.
“Alright, we are going to be playing the bullets game. How this works is I’ll shoot my gun a few times into the air and you prisoners will have to guess how many bullets are left.”
The warden shoots his weapon into the ceiling which hits the bulletproof glass that the spectators are standing on. I listen carefully to the shots as the warden shoots for only about a second.. The warden is holding a M4A1, standard guard’s gear I guess. I know for a fact that an M4A1 has 30 bullets in it’s magazine, if the magazine hasn’t been upgraded to a bigger one. It’s rate of fire is about 12-15 shots per second. I’d guess about 13 shots.
All the prisoners take turns in calling out what they think the number is until finally someone calls out the actual number, which turns out to be 12. Topcat gets the winner, Nandos Luva, to pick another captain. Nandos decides picks Enzoom as the second captain.

The scoreboard is screwed below please look at this link instead: https://docs.google.com/document/pub...3hq2aYDmS6iFVA

Having a closer look at the electronic board I see the names of all the people below me.
Guards (5/5) Kills Status Prisoners (13/15) Kills Status
Squall 2 Alive Crosq 0 Alive
TC_TopCat 0 Alive Enzoom 0 Alive
Dean 0 Alive GatorTheHator 0 Alive
Becca 0 Alive God’s Favorite 0 Alive
Rowdy 0 Alive King Bunny People 0 Alive
Nandos Luva 0 Alive
Nexoit 0 Alive
PotatoDreamz 0 Alive
Randosaurus Rex 0 Alive
Regs 0 Alive
The Notorious Ram 0 Alive
Wacky2g 0 Alive
Rebellium 0 Dead
Skorps 0 Dead
Space Pl0x 0 Dead



After about two minutes of some long team picking both Nados and Enzoom finally got their teams together.
Nandos Luva’s team Enzoom’s team
Nandos Luva (captain) Enzoom (captain)
The Notorious Ram King Bunny People
Wacky2g Randosaurus Rex
PotatoDreamz Nexoit
Regs Crosq
GatorTheHator God’s Favorite



Let the games begin!

To be continued...

[[DtK] [T] regs123]

We never did find out who won the match D;

[[DtK] [Jedi] firtvid20]

We never did find out who won the match D;

The soccer match?

[[DtK] [T] regs123]

The soccer match?

Yeah.

[[DtK] [Jedi] firtvid20]

Yeah.

It shall be written after the Chapter 3 arc. I have much more time in these holidays so I can hopefully put up a new story once a week. I'll put up the next chapter very soon, it's already about half done.

[[DtK] [Jedi] Jetpackin]

We should make a jb map based on your story!! :O